Energy and State

If you are not having fun with your friends, you are not in a good state of mind (usually simply referred to as "state"), and girls pick up on that way before you approach. Feeling you'll bring down their own energy by approaching them, they ignore you, freeze you out by giving you short and boring answers, or tell you slightly rude things. Interestingly, the first is a clear indication of disinterest, while the other two are usually tests you'll have to pass in order to talk to them. I'll get back to that later, but for now all you need to note is that you won't get these tests when you approach if you do it properly: fixing appearance and energy, and the approach itself which we will be talking about in the post. Back to our discussion about energy, the worst thing you can do is stand next to your friends, all of you leaning against a wall or the bar facing the club, not talking to each other or even acknowledging each others presence. Many guys do that in the belief that they look cool, but trust me, to girls they look nothing but pathetic, because girls know they are trying to look cool instead of having fun with each other and the rest of the crowd. Trying to be something you are not is very unattractive, because for one thing it shows that you are a fake (and hence you are not the kind of guy she would proudly introduce to her friends), and for another it shows you lack social intelligence since you are the only one in the club not realizing that everyone else can see through you.

Make sure you are (almost) always having fun with friends and/or other girls in the club, and if not, guys will do for a short while. Don't stand around alone for too long; if you are waiting for someone, make sure you don't come across like you are checking out the crowd trying to find some girls to seduce, or as too shy to talk to people. You want to be part of the crowd that creates tonight's vibe. At the very least, you need to be part of that vibe. You don't want to come across like the outsider in a club, some kind of lonely pervert that is there to watch people and find his prey. Be outgoing and be fun, have fun, and never be needy. Don't check girls out, approach them. In my next post, I will explain how the approach is done. For now, I want to dig deeper into state.

Whereas energy is the vibe you create around you and you are part of, state is your own personal vibe; it's the energy that is inside of you. Obviously, the energy you are building up with your friends comes from whatever state you all are in. If everybody is in a good mood, enjoying drinks and music, you are having good energy as a group. It is for this reason that state matters so much.

With respect to pick up, it is very insightful to consider the difference between logical state and emotional state. When you are studying science, writing analytical texts, or analyzing what went wrong with the girl you almost got, your mind is in a logical state. Your keep analyzing things, applying concepts and logic to deduce a conclusion. On the other hand, when you are kissing a beautiful girl, having sex, or singing karaoke with your friends, you are in an emotional state. Your analytical mind is pretty much completely shut down and you are only enjoying the moment. Instead of reason, you are letting emotions guide you. But you are not usually in either one of these states at any time: you are always in a combination of them: when you are drinking and talking to your friends at your place, you might be in something like 80% emotional state and 20% logical state.

What's so interesting about this separation between logical and emotional state is two things:

1. Emotional and logical state complement each other: the more you are in one state, the less you are in the other.
2. Logical state is more contagious than emotional state: it's more likely that the person in logical state will bring the others into the logical state than vice versa. That is, logical state usually takes precedence over emotional state with regards to the energy.
   

In case you didn't know it, girls like being in emotional state and dislike being in logical state. The more they are in emotional state, the better they enjoy the interaction. When most guys want to approach girls, they end up being in logical state, because they cannot handle the emotions that arise due to their approach anxiety. They get scared of approaching because the fear of rejection kicks in, and suddenly they end up thinking about what they should say and every subsequent way in which the interaction could go wrong. In other words, the negative feelings they initially experience forces them into a logical state of analysis. As anyone who has every tried to approach a girl would know, this is a bad thing. You don't want to be in logical state when you are out in a club, because you are not having as much fun then, giving you more approach anxiety, and ultimately making yourself less inclined to approach. Rather than being "out there" having fun with everybody, you are "inside" your own head. And this limitation is not only internal to you: you project your state through your energy (mainly facial expressions and posture), and your state is contagious - people will consciously and unconsciously avoiding you because they feel you'll bring down their energy, and subsequently their state.

When you've fixed your appearance and girls are checking you out because you look good, it would be a very bad idea to display bad energy. Being in logical state is hence not an option, you need to be in emotional state as often and much as possible.

For practical purposes, the question is how to put oneself in emotional state. I will now give you some suggestions:

1. Alcohol (and other drugs) put people in emotional state. This is the reason why many guys do better drunk than sober: the alcohol helps them get into emotional state and have fun, thus giving away a good vibe (the energy).
2. Warm up for the night by listening to music while you are showering and fixing up your appearance, perhaps also by talking to your crew on the phone and getting the expectations/energy up.
   
3. Having a pre-party with your friends, listening to music that gives you energy before you go out.
4. Having fun with your friends in the club, joking and fooling around (not discussing things).
5. Casually talking to everyone near you (perhaps in the bar), both guys and girls. You could for example use situational "approaches" for this.
6. Warming up by approaching (possibly less beautiful) girls, without any intent of going anywhere but some fun conversation.
   

Option 1 - alcohol - might solve your problems to a certain extent, but keep in mind that the more drunk you get, the less control you'll have over the situation. This is simply because you are losing your logical state. Now, the alcohol doesn't only remove your logical state, it also worsens your coordination, thus worsening your body language. In terms of pick up, you can drink but when you're already having fun, there is nothing more to gain by drinking more. There is nothing to warn for regarding the other suggestions listed above; do them all when you can.

Make sure you get the preparations right: fix your appearance, and choose the coolest guys to go out with. Make sure they have their preparations fixed as well; read this together, make sure you all agree on what needs to be done here, and help each other fix yourselves.